Seven answers on 7Q (also known as the FAQs of life.)				Interviewed by Tom Mangan Marty Beckerman, Alaskan in high school hell His Web site is here.		AUTHORS Michael Fuchs Elizabeth Hilts Paul Riddell Gary Rivlin Jim Motavalli Barbara Shafferman Jules Siegel Keith Snyder ARTISTS/POETS/ PHILOSOPHERS Jon C. Allen Will Baker Mike Leung Jon Sarkin COOL SITE KEEPERS Mike Cash Scott O'Neal Colf Godfrey Daniels Cliff Davis, DDS Tammy Hocking Wes Modes Frank Rogan DIARISTS Ralph Becker J. D. Bruns Linda DeVault Mike Reed Moira Richardson Jessamyn West FILMMAKERS Ben Kufrin Dean Mermell JOURNALISTS Bernie Mary Cooley-Jones Lindsay Crysler Jamie Dupree M.O.A.T.M.A.I. David Moll Robert Niles John Orr Steven Ovadia Pierce Presley Mack Reed Rip Rense Curtis Ross Neal Ross John Scalzi Catherine Seipp David Sheets Dwight Silverman Matt Welch MOVIE MAVENS MaryAnn Johanson Brian Koller HUMORISTS Debbie Farmer Mike Jasper Madeleine Begun Kane Patrick Keller Bob Sassone Valerie Sprague Ken Swarmer Ian Wolff SOLDIERS Maj. Jon Anderson, USAF TEACHERS John Warner TECHIES Chris Adamson Mike Gunderloy Michael Ivey Greg Knauss Floyd Maxwell Ellen McDonough Mike Pingleton Wayne Thume John Worth TEENS Gary Baum Marty Beckerman UNDECLARED Bev Gibbs Beth Reid WEBLOGGERS Jason Kottke Jish Mukerji
ONE				How do you suspect high school is different in Alaska than the Lower 48? I doubt it's much different - high school is a terrible place no matter where you go. You can't cram 2,000 people into one building, apply the same teaching method to them all, and expect to come out with 2,000 exceptional learners. What you wind up with in actuality is a few intelligent aberrations and a vast majority of morons conditioned to memorize and regurgitate information. That's not education, in my opinion. The majority of high school students have no motivation or passion for learning, which is pretty heartbreaking.
TWO				How are real teenage girls different from the ones on TV? There's this horrible reciprocal relationship between the depiction of teenage girls in the entertainment industry and actual teenage girls themselves. The entertainment industry views teenage girls to be its most lucrative market. Films and television shows aimed toward adolescent females - teeny bopper fluff - do incredibly well. The corporate studios thus unceasingly strive to create "entertainment" that not only depicts teenagers, but relates to them as well. To do this, teenage characters adopt traits that are 100 percent universal, becoming absent of any real human emotion. The tragedy here is many teenage girls view such depictions as a paradigm for who they should actually be.
THREE				You seem to have a lot of confrontations with people threatening grievous bodily harm. How do you account for that? Well, so far I’ve only had one credible death threat, which came in response to a column I wrote called "Death to all cheerleaders." That column can be found in the archives of my web site. The "sequel" of sorts, "Death to all cheerleaders, Part Two" describes the whole story of that aforementioned death threat. It’s sort of funny in retrospect, I guess, seeing as how I never got made dead.
FOUR				What have you learned on your own lately that they'd never teach in school? I’ve learned that girls really can’t give a decent handjob. In my experience, they just pull and tug on it like a slinky or something, which is pretty uncomfortable. I much prefer masturbation, because at least I know how to do it right.
FIVE				Describe how life changes after the acquisition of driving privileges. You don’t need to ride the bus as much. Which isn’t necessarily a good thing in Alaska, because icy roads are death traps. I’ve seen two or three accidents each day for the last month, no joke. I slid into a light pole one time. It sucks though, because my parents gave me their old minivan instead of getting a car. I mean, I’m lucky they gave me any vehicle at all, but girls think the minivan is creepy, and guys think it’s really lame. Which it is.
SIX				What’s one thing you’d like to pound into the heads of your parents’ generation? Elvis sucked. No two ways around it.
SEVEN				What's one harmless little lie a teen can tell his parents to keep their minds at ease? "Mom and Dad, I love you."
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