SevenQuestions: Madeleine Begun Kane

Seven answers on 7Q (also known as the FAQs of life.)
Interviewed by Tom Mangan

Madeleine Begun Kane -- good humor is one of her moods.

AUTHORS

Michael Fuchs
Elizabeth Hilts
Paul Riddell
Gary Rivlin
Jim Motavalli
Barbara Shafferman
Jules Siegel
Keith Snyder

ARTISTS/POETS/
PHILOSOPHERS

Jon C. Allen
Will Baker
Mike Leung
Jon Sarkin

COOL SITE KEEPERS

Mike Cash
Scott O'Neal Colf
Godfrey Daniels
Cliff Davis, DDS
Tammy Hocking
Wes Modes
Frank Rogan

DIARISTS

Ralph Becker
J. D. Bruns
Linda DeVault
Mike Reed
Moira Richardson
Jessamyn West

FILMMAKERS

Ben Kufrin
Dean Mermell

JOURNALISTS

Bernie
Mary Cooley-Jones
Lindsay Crysler
Jamie Dupree
M.O.A.T.M.A.I.
David Moll
Robert Niles
John Orr
Steven Ovadia
Pierce Presley
Mack Reed
Rip Rense
Curtis Ross
Neal Ross
John Scalzi
Catherine Seipp
David Sheets
Dwight Silverman
Matt Welch

MOVIE MAVENS

MaryAnn Johanson
Brian Koller

HUMORISTS

Debbie Farmer
Mike Jasper
Madeleine Begun Kane
Patrick Keller
Bob Sassone
Valerie Sprague
Ken Swarmer
Ian Wolff

SOLDIERS

Maj. Jon Anderson, USAF

TEACHERS

John Warner

TECHIES

Chris Adamson
Mike Gunderloy
Michael Ivey
Greg Knauss
Floyd Maxwell
Ellen McDonough
Mike Pingleton
Wayne Thume
John Worth

TEENS

Gary Baum
Marty Beckerman

UNDECLARED

Bev Gibbs
Beth Reid

WEBLOGGERS

Jason Kottke
Jish Mukerji

ONE
You mentioned in one column that you're choosy about which movies you like. Seen one lately that you had high hopes for but ended up wishing you had those two hours back?

Watch a movie in two hours? You can do that? I had no idea.

My husband Mark and I usually rent videos and watch them in bed. And I can't recall ever getting through a two hour film in under four hours. Of course we do take frequent food, beverage, bathroom and ... um ... recreational breaks.

But we were recently lured out of bed and into a theater by overly enthused reviews of American Beauty. We should have waited for the video: Those rose petal scenes would have been perfect for recreational breaks.

TWO
What invention would you gladly travel back in time to disinvent?

At first I was going to say "guns." But then I remembered that, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Next I considered saying "people." But I wasn't sure if people technically qualify as an invention. So I surfed over to Philosophers'R'Us.com for an answer, but its server was down. Finally, I settled on cell phones. Why? Because the next time some cell phone-appendaged, self-important moron ruins a meal, concert, or play, I may have to use a gun.

THREE

Any memories from your childhood that seemed to predict how you'd turn out as an adult?

I was a serious, hardworking, conscientious, perfectionistic, sweet child. Help! Some stranger's taken over my body.

One early memory that stands out is being chased by a five-year-old heathen wielding a toy rifle. This probably explains answer number 2.

Then there was the time my kindergarten teacher told my parents to punish me because I "refused to color within the lines." To this day I vividly remember being required to practice remedial coloring.

Now I was a good kid and I'm confident that had I actually seen the lines I would have made some effort to color within them. But nobody thought to check my eyesight. This undoubtedly explains why I will never be a world famous painter and am forced, instead, to be a world famous humorist.

FOUR
What advice would you give to anyone who insists on trying to drive in Manhattan?

No advice at all. Just tell me where to send the flowers.

Actually, people exaggerate the problems of Manhattan driving. The truth is that serious car accidents are rare, because you can never build up enough speed to do significant damage.

So driving in Manhattan is no problem at all, assuming you don't want to:

a. Stop the car;
b. Get out of the car;
c. Park the car for less than the cost of a condominium; and
d. Ever see your car again ... alive.

FIVE
What does your husband think of you using him as a foil in so many of your columns?

That reminds me of an angry email I got last week, accusing me of male bashing and asking why Mark puts up with me. When I tried to defend myself and explained that we've been very happily married for 21 years, he demanded an affidavit to that effect from Mark.

Fortunately, Mark's very good-natured and asks only that I spell his name right. I'm really lucky to be married to a man as sweet and loving as Marque.

SIX
Tell us about something you've seen in New York that struck you as too weird even for New York.

Several years a mugger jumped me from behind and stole my diamond engagement ring. Wait, that's not quite accurate: My ring wasn't taken -- just the diamond. My attacker .... and I am NOT making this up ... bent the setting prongs with his teeth and bit the stone off the ring. Now that's what I call a creative felon.

The cops never caught the guy or recovered my stone. But I take solace in believing that his life of crime will eventually catch up with him. Someday he'll surely get the Dental Chair.

SEVEN
What's your most consistent source of column fodder?

Years ago it was dentists. But then the hate mail started pouring in. Those guys are really scary.

So I moved on to mocking attorneys. (I'm a recovering lawyer, which gives me lots of ammunition.) But they threatened to sue, and I couldn't afford my own fees.
Next I switched to spoofing the Feds. Unfortunately, the IRS trumped me, so I began targeting Donald Trump. But I had to stop because he threatened to cut off my alimo... no wait ... that's somebody else.

Anyway, what with the law suits and the death threats, I now stick to safe ground -- making fun of my humor inspiring husband Marck, I mean Marc ... I mean... Hold on a sec. I think someone's at the door.

Sorry, I'm afraid that was a process server, which means it's time to find a new source of column fodder. Oh well -- Bill Gates is always good for a few laughs.

THE BIG INDEX...
Who they are, what they do, how they think. Go there now.

A TO Z ARCHIVE...

Everybody here, with quickie bios. Go there now.

Return to the main Seven Questions page
See the original Newsies 7Q project

Contact info@sevenquestions.com
Copyright 1999-2002, Thomas L. Mangan



Seven answers on 7Q (also known as the FAQs of life.)	Interviewed by Tom Mangan Madeleine Begun Kane -- good humor is one of her moods.	AUTHORS Michael Fuchs Elizabeth Hilts Paul Riddell Gary Rivlin Jim Motavalli Barbara Shafferman Jules Siegel Keith Snyder ARTISTS/POETS/ PHILOSOPHERS Jon C. Allen Will Baker Mike Leung Jon Sarkin COOL SITE KEEPERS Mike Cash Scott O'Neal Colf Godfrey Daniels Cliff Davis, DDS Tammy Hocking Wes Modes Frank Rogan DIARISTS Ralph Becker J. D. Bruns Linda DeVault Mike Reed Moira Richardson Jessamyn West FILMMAKERS Ben Kufrin Dean Mermell JOURNALISTS Bernie Mary Cooley-Jones Lindsay Crysler Jamie Dupree M.O.A.T.M.A.I. David Moll Robert Niles John Orr Steven Ovadia Pierce Presley Mack Reed Rip Rense Curtis Ross Neal Ross John Scalzi Catherine Seipp David Sheets Dwight Silverman Matt Welch MOVIE MAVENS MaryAnn Johanson Brian Koller HUMORISTS Debbie Farmer Mike Jasper Madeleine Begun Kane Patrick Keller Bob Sassone Valerie Sprague Ken Swarmer Ian Wolff SOLDIERS Maj. Jon Anderson, USAF TEACHERS John Warner TECHIES Chris Adamson Mike Gunderloy Michael Ivey Greg Knauss Floyd Maxwell Ellen McDonough Mike Pingleton Wayne Thume John Worth TEENS Gary Baum Marty Beckerman UNDECLARED Bev Gibbs Beth Reid WEBLOGGERS Jason Kottke Jish Mukerji



ONE	You mentioned in one column that you're choosy about which movies you like. Seen one lately that you had high hopes for but ended up wishing you had those two hours back? Watch a movie in two hours? You can do that? I had no idea. My husband Mark and I usually rent videos and watch them in bed. And I can't recall ever getting through a two hour film in under four hours. Of course we do take frequent food, beverage, bathroom and ... um ... recreational breaks. But we were recently lured out of bed and into a theater by overly enthused reviews of American Beauty. We should have waited for the video: Those rose petal scenes would have been perfect for recreational breaks.



TWO	What invention would you gladly travel back in time to disinvent? At first I was going to say "guns." But then I remembered that, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Next I considered saying "people." But I wasn't sure if people technically qualify as an invention. So I surfed over to Philosophers'R'Us.com for an answer, but its server was down. Finally, I settled on cell phones. Why? Because the next time some cell phone-appendaged, self-important moron ruins a meal, concert, or play, I may have to use a gun.



THREE	Any memories from your childhood that seemed to predict how you'd turn out as an adult? I was a serious, hardworking, conscientious, perfectionistic, sweet child. Help! Some stranger's taken over my body. One early memory that stands out is being chased by a five-year-old heathen wielding a toy rifle. This probably explains answer number 2. Then there was the time my kindergarten teacher told my parents to punish me because I "refused to color within the lines." To this day I vividly remember being required to practice remedial coloring. Now I was a good kid and I'm confident that had I actually seen the lines I would have made some effort to color within them. But nobody thought to check my eyesight. This undoubtedly explains why I will never be a world famous painter and am forced, instead, to be a world famous humorist.



FOUR	What advice would you give to anyone who insists on trying to drive in Manhattan? No advice at all. Just tell me where to send the flowers. Actually, people exaggerate the problems of Manhattan driving. The truth is that serious car accidents are rare, because you can never build up enough speed to do significant damage. So driving in Manhattan is no problem at all, assuming you don't want to: a. Stop the car; b. Get out of the car; c. Park the car for less than the cost of a condominium; and d. Ever see your car again ... alive.



FIVE	What does your husband think of you using him as a foil in so many of your columns? That reminds me of an angry email I got last week, accusing me of male bashing and asking why Mark puts up with me. When I tried to defend myself and explained that we've been very happily married for 21 years, he demanded an affidavit to that effect from Mark. Fortunately, Mark's very good-natured and asks only that I spell his name right. I'm really lucky to be married to a man as sweet and loving as Marque.



SIX	Tell us about something you've seen in New York that struck you as too weird even for New York. Several years a mugger jumped me from behind and stole my diamond engagement ring. Wait, that's not quite accurate: My ring wasn't taken -- just the diamond. My attacker .... and I am NOT making this up ... bent the setting prongs with his teeth and bit the stone off the ring. Now that's what I call a creative felon. The cops never caught the guy or recovered my stone. But I take solace in believing that his life of crime will eventually catch up with him. Someday he'll surely get the Dental Chair.



SEVEN	What's your most consistent source of column fodder? Years ago it was dentists. But then the hate mail started pouring in. Those guys are really scary. So I moved on to mocking attorneys. (I'm a recovering lawyer, which gives me lots of ammunition.) But they threatened to sue, and I couldn't afford my own fees. Next I switched to spoofing the Feds. Unfortunately, the IRS trumped me, so I began targeting Donald Trump. But I had to stop because he threatened to cut off my alimo... no wait ... that's somebody else. Anyway, what with the law suits and the death threats, I now stick to safe ground -- making fun of my humor inspiring husband Marck, I mean Marc ... I mean... Hold on a sec. I think someone's at the door. Sorry, I'm afraid that was a process server, which means it's time to find a new source of column fodder. Oh well -- Bill Gates is always good for a few laughs.


	THE BIG INDEX... Who they are, what they do, how they think. Go there now. A TO Z ARCHIVE... Everybody here, with quickie bios. Go there now. Return to the main Seven Questions page See the original Newsies 7Q project Contact info@sevenquestions.com Copyright 1999-2002, Thomas L. Mangan